Yesterday I wasn't abstinent, but I wasn't too out of hand...and today, so far, I've been abstinent. I'm pretty happy with that and hopeful that I can get through today.
Today, I've been struggling with some guilt about being abstinent thus far. I have only eaten exactly what I planned to [I plan out what I'm going to eat in terms of food and when I'm going to eat it] and haven't eaten in between my two meals so far. I've been drinking water [as opposed to juice or soda] and, when I was out today, I didn't buy any food. I'm not sure why I feel guilty.
I wonder if it's because, while I'm abstinent in act, my brain is still thinking about food and eating and eating a lot of food. I don't know if this means I am truly one hundred percent abstinent today but I'm pretty goddamn happy that I'm not putting anything in my mouth all of the time and that I am making good choices for me.
Something that just occurred to me--I treat my addiction like a cancer that I am trying to get rid of. Why shouldn't it want to cling to me as I try to peel it away? Why shouldn't it poke at the guilt button? I'm not feeding it, so it should be pissed off. Interesting.
Still a little nervous about the weekend and seeing my guy friend--I also don't have a lot of money right now and I get sensitive when other people are willing to pay for me to eat, as he has done for me before.
On the upside, I fit into jeans I haven't fit into well in awhile and I look good in them! I also bought a few new things since I didn't have a lot to wear that wasn't too big and I'm pretty pleased with how I look. :)
Friday, July 27, 2007
Wednesday, July 25, 2007
Fear
So I've been thinking a lot about fear lately.
One of my fears is pretty much 'what if I can never conquer this?' and that expands into 'what if I turn into my dad' and 'what if I can never even resemble normal'.
The other big fear right now is 'what happens when I lose weight?' I can't even imagine what I'll look like or who I'll be. I've felt like something that is not me for SO long now that I'm not sure who I even am with this body and my fat. It's scary to think about being skinny/skinnier and I'm pretty sure a lot of my issues with food are tied up in that--fat protects, you know? Keeps people at a distance and keeps them from seeing what I think is imperfect about me. And, yet, in that, it amplifies what I dislike--my too-round belly, my lack of ass, my humongous thighs and hips--so I get more depressed and eat more and then feel bad about my belly/ass/hips/thighs and it's a nasty cycle. Sometimes I think I use my addiction as a crutch to not lose weight.
Actually, I know that for sure.
On the upside, I've lost fifteen pounds so far which is pretty important to me.
Smaller fears about this weekend, as I'll be spending time with a guy friend who is near and dear to my heart. I have a really hard time eating in front of him, which is the other extreme, but I'm dealing with that--last time I saw him, I ate three reasonable meals in front of him which is HUGE for me...I had eaten twice in front of him previously in three months of knowing each other.
Onwards and upwards, still!
One of my fears is pretty much 'what if I can never conquer this?' and that expands into 'what if I turn into my dad' and 'what if I can never even resemble normal'.
The other big fear right now is 'what happens when I lose weight?' I can't even imagine what I'll look like or who I'll be. I've felt like something that is not me for SO long now that I'm not sure who I even am with this body and my fat. It's scary to think about being skinny/skinnier and I'm pretty sure a lot of my issues with food are tied up in that--fat protects, you know? Keeps people at a distance and keeps them from seeing what I think is imperfect about me. And, yet, in that, it amplifies what I dislike--my too-round belly, my lack of ass, my humongous thighs and hips--so I get more depressed and eat more and then feel bad about my belly/ass/hips/thighs and it's a nasty cycle. Sometimes I think I use my addiction as a crutch to not lose weight.
Actually, I know that for sure.
On the upside, I've lost fifteen pounds so far which is pretty important to me.
Smaller fears about this weekend, as I'll be spending time with a guy friend who is near and dear to my heart. I have a really hard time eating in front of him, which is the other extreme, but I'm dealing with that--last time I saw him, I ate three reasonable meals in front of him which is HUGE for me...I had eaten twice in front of him previously in three months of knowing each other.
Onwards and upwards, still!
What do you know, meeting-friend, and today's binge.
Here I was thinking there weren't other blogs about compulsive eating and addiction out there.
My google-fu has gotten a bit stronger and I found Act Boldly, which is a blog about recovery post compulsive eating. I'll have to pay attention. :)
Had a nice phone chat with a woman from the meeting I currently go to. We talked program a little and some art stuff, as it would seem we are both artists, and she gave me the scoop on some of the other local meetings that I might like.
One of my big challenges lately that I talked about at my last meeting and that I talked about with my meeting-friend [I need pseudonyms for people, clearly..] is not spending money on food I don't need. I have an awful habit of binging by going out and spending money on food I don't need to be eating--like, food when I'm not hungry, food that is not good for me, or food that is not a meal. I was really good with that for about a week and sort of busted that today--I ate lunch out, which was okay to start with as I had a sandwich and juice...but then added on a pecan sticky bun which was a definite binge for me as I wasn't hungry and didn't need it. Back to square one on the spending front.
And yet, in all this, I feel sort of hopeful. Previously, when I've binged, I've felt fucking hopeless and useless and like there was no light at the end of the tunnel. I don't feel like that today and haven't felt like that recently. I guess maybe this is me picking up on the idea that tomorrow is another day, that it won't always be this way, and I am active in the process of trying to find a way to be healthy and free of the fucking insanity that my eating habits often communicate.
I feel like I'm going to be posting a lot--a lot to catch up on that has been held in for too long.
My google-fu has gotten a bit stronger and I found Act Boldly, which is a blog about recovery post compulsive eating. I'll have to pay attention. :)
Had a nice phone chat with a woman from the meeting I currently go to. We talked program a little and some art stuff, as it would seem we are both artists, and she gave me the scoop on some of the other local meetings that I might like.
One of my big challenges lately that I talked about at my last meeting and that I talked about with my meeting-friend [I need pseudonyms for people, clearly..] is not spending money on food I don't need. I have an awful habit of binging by going out and spending money on food I don't need to be eating--like, food when I'm not hungry, food that is not good for me, or food that is not a meal. I was really good with that for about a week and sort of busted that today--I ate lunch out, which was okay to start with as I had a sandwich and juice...but then added on a pecan sticky bun which was a definite binge for me as I wasn't hungry and didn't need it. Back to square one on the spending front.
And yet, in all this, I feel sort of hopeful. Previously, when I've binged, I've felt fucking hopeless and useless and like there was no light at the end of the tunnel. I don't feel like that today and haven't felt like that recently. I guess maybe this is me picking up on the idea that tomorrow is another day, that it won't always be this way, and I am active in the process of trying to find a way to be healthy and free of the fucking insanity that my eating habits often communicate.
I feel like I'm going to be posting a lot--a lot to catch up on that has been held in for too long.
A beginning.
I've started and erased this post a couple of times now and I'm hoping that I can get it out this time.
I've started this blog because I have yet to see one like it. I've seen weight loss blogs and food blogs, but not one dealing with food addiction, compulsive overeating, and recovery. Maybe it's because I just can't find it or because I'm not looking the right way. I'm also writing this blog to stay honest with myself and to take away some of the power this addiction has over me.
I have a problem with food. I've always had a problem with food and I've known about since I was twelve years old sitting in a school-sponsored presentation on eating disorders where the presenters briefly touched on compulsive eating. I remember being completely stunned and fighting back tears when I realized that there was a name for what was wrong with me. I was incredibly humiliated, but I asked for help at the end of the presentation [going up in front of my class to talk to the presenters was a big deal] but they had no resources for me--apparently compulsive overeating was, at that time, not as big a concern as bulimia or anorexia with regards to pre-teen girls.
I come from a family of addicts--my father is the picture of a food addict and I have, as much as I hate to say so, inherited much of his behavior and attitudes..though I retain ultimate responsibility for my choices. I am the only one who decides to put my food in my mouth.
Beyond that, I am female, currently unemployed [this is a huge factor in the amping up of my addiction and the decision to seek recovery], overweight [also a factor in choosing recovery], pagan and relate to my Higher Power(s) in different ways than others might, and I do attend meetings in my local community.
The positives lately have been that I have not been buying food when I am out, save for planned social outings with friends or planned grocery store trips. This is good for me, as one of my big ways of binging is to purchase food while I am out of the house that I do not need; food that is not a meal and that I am not necessarily hungry for.
The negative for today is that I have not been able to be sober today--I started off alright eating yogurt for breakfast but followed it with fried wontons and then over ate at a planned outing for lunch. I feel full and slightly sick and will try to maintain sane eating for the rest of the day.
I'm hopeful for this blog--for both me and for others.
I've started this blog because I have yet to see one like it. I've seen weight loss blogs and food blogs, but not one dealing with food addiction, compulsive overeating, and recovery. Maybe it's because I just can't find it or because I'm not looking the right way. I'm also writing this blog to stay honest with myself and to take away some of the power this addiction has over me.
I have a problem with food. I've always had a problem with food and I've known about since I was twelve years old sitting in a school-sponsored presentation on eating disorders where the presenters briefly touched on compulsive eating. I remember being completely stunned and fighting back tears when I realized that there was a name for what was wrong with me. I was incredibly humiliated, but I asked for help at the end of the presentation [going up in front of my class to talk to the presenters was a big deal] but they had no resources for me--apparently compulsive overeating was, at that time, not as big a concern as bulimia or anorexia with regards to pre-teen girls.
I come from a family of addicts--my father is the picture of a food addict and I have, as much as I hate to say so, inherited much of his behavior and attitudes..though I retain ultimate responsibility for my choices. I am the only one who decides to put my food in my mouth.
Beyond that, I am female, currently unemployed [this is a huge factor in the amping up of my addiction and the decision to seek recovery], overweight [also a factor in choosing recovery], pagan and relate to my Higher Power(s) in different ways than others might, and I do attend meetings in my local community.
The positives lately have been that I have not been buying food when I am out, save for planned social outings with friends or planned grocery store trips. This is good for me, as one of my big ways of binging is to purchase food while I am out of the house that I do not need; food that is not a meal and that I am not necessarily hungry for.
The negative for today is that I have not been able to be sober today--I started off alright eating yogurt for breakfast but followed it with fried wontons and then over ate at a planned outing for lunch. I feel full and slightly sick and will try to maintain sane eating for the rest of the day.
I'm hopeful for this blog--for both me and for others.
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