Fear

So I've been thinking a lot about fear lately.

One of my fears is pretty much 'what if I can never conquer this?' and that expands into 'what if I turn into my dad' and 'what if I can never even resemble normal'.

The other big fear right now is 'what happens when I lose weight?' I can't even imagine what I'll look like or who I'll be. I've felt like something that is not me for SO long now that I'm not sure who I even am with this body and my fat. It's scary to think about being skinny/skinnier and I'm pretty sure a lot of my issues with food are tied up in that--fat protects, you know? Keeps people at a distance and keeps them from seeing what I think is imperfect about me. And, yet, in that, it amplifies what I dislike--my too-round belly, my lack of ass, my humongous thighs and hips--so I get more depressed and eat more and then feel bad about my belly/ass/hips/thighs and it's a nasty cycle. Sometimes I think I use my addiction as a crutch to not lose weight.

Actually, I know that for sure.

On the upside, I've lost fifteen pounds so far which is pretty important to me.

Smaller fears about this weekend, as I'll be spending time with a guy friend who is near and dear to my heart. I have a really hard time eating in front of him, which is the other extreme, but I'm dealing with that--last time I saw him, I ate three reasonable meals in front of him which is HUGE for me...I had eaten twice in front of him previously in three months of knowing each other.

Onwards and upwards, still!